Dragon Hunter
by NytBloomer
Summary: Heehee...I know, ANOTHER parody? Like I write anything else. But this isn't a songfic...its a parody of the Crocodile Hunter show, this time starring Charlie Weasley...my FAVORITE Weasley, and Hagrid on mage-o-cam! No romance at all...unless you count


Author's Note: I've always said that Charlie Weasley is the Wizarding World's answer to Steve Irwin

Author's Note:I've always said that Charlie Weasley is the Wizarding World's answer to Steve Irwin.Ergot…my Charlie Weasley Worship Fic, based on Crocodile Hunter. (:

DISCLAIMER:I do NOT own "Crocodile Hunter", or Steve Irwin.Terry Irwin and Bindi own Steve…and Steve owns his show!I ALSO do not own any of the HP characters…alas, not even Charlie!JKR does.As for if anyone owns JKR…I won't speculate.

*****

Dragon Hunter

*Theme music plays, and a garish "Dragon Hunter: with Charlie Weasley" logo flashes on the screen.Shots of Charlie running through the desert after huge lizards, trudging through volcanoes in search of salamanders, and squishing through nasty swamps looking for water dragonets flash during the trumpeting theme song, whose only words appear to be "Dragon Hunter!"The Scene opens with Charlie Weasley in khaki robes, that on anyone else would look ridiculous…but somehow Charlie makes 'em look dang sexy.He's crouching among a thick forest, his hand resting on the roots of a tree.He grins brightly and begins to speak*

"G'day and welcome to this episode of Dragon Hunter!" For somer eason Charlie has a barely-believable Aussie accent."For those of ye just startin' to watch, I'm Charlie Weasley, and I've devoted me life to protectin' and preservin' these beautiful and wonderful creatures.Today we're in Romania, lookin' in on a few of me dragon buddies.Here in the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary is the best place to find 'em!It's the only place where humans are safe from dragons…an' more imp'ortanly, they're safe from us! Today on the mage-o-cam is me best mate, 'Agrid!Oy, 'Agrid, where are ya?" 

"Right 'ere, Charlie!" Hagrid booms, walking through (literally) a group of small trees."Ready te go?"

"Been waitin' on ye, mate!" Charlie replies cheerfully.

*The next scene is of Charlie skulking through the woods, approaching a clearing. He looks over his shoulder, and gestures as they approach a clearing.*

"Now," he says in a whisper, glancing over his shoulder and back into the clearing "'ere we've got a 'Ungarian Orntail and 'er 'atchlings!Get a shot, 'Agrid!"

*Hagrid zooms the mage-o-cam in on the imposing dragon and her squealing babies, all of whom are gruesomely mangling the body of an imported elephant.*

"Easy now…this is the very same dragon that nearly got 'Arry in the Triwizard Tournament last year.Isn't she a beauty?I call this one Percy, because she's big, a little full of herself and totally full o' wind…kinda like me little brother.Crikey, hasn't she got a lot of hatchlin's!Ye're a good mum, aren'tcha Percy?" Charlie has been edging closer to the feeding dragon while he talks, and pats her on the tail much like a pet dog.She doesn't seem to notice. "But look…one of the little rippers is wanderin' off!C'mon 'Agrid!We gotta go catch the little sweet'eart before she gets hurt!"

*Next shot is herky-jerky, obviously taken with Hagrid at a full run, his steps too massive for even the mage-o-cam to stabilize the movement fully.Charlie is bolting after the baby dragon, his ludicrous (but still so sexy) khaki robes flapping in the wind, showing his legs up to the knees.He finally gets close to the running hatchling, and leaps through the air like a pro wrestler, and body-slams the little dragon to the ground.The baby, of course, is not happy and starts putting up a horrible fight.*

"Now" Charlie continues while still wrestling the extremely strong baby dragon who is beginning to snarl and try to bite Charlie's hands off "this little nipper's just a mite, but she's still mighty tough!She don't know I'm tryin' to help her.There there Sweet'eart…maybe I'll call ye Molly…yer real feisty, like me mum." 

*Finally, after quite a struggle, he gets the dragon subdued, while the camera heaves from Hagrid's panting for breath.The baby lays in his arms, just as docile as you please…apparently tired out.Charlie's arms are bleeding, and his face is gashed just below the left eye.He looks, in fact, much like he's had the world's worst shaving accident.He merely smiles, and ignores the fact that he's bleeding all over his khaki robes.*

"Allright, 'Agrid?" he asks."Zoom in close so we can get a good shot on this little darlin'."

*The dragon is actually three steps from unbearably hideous.It still has a huge egg tooth, almost the size of a beak, on the end of its' nose.Its' eyes are covered in scaly, crusty lids, and it appears to be close to its' first skin molting…bits of white skin are hanging off of it like a liche's flesh.*

"Ya Charlie, she's a beaut.Looks like she's going to shed soon…" Hagrid's voice tears up. "I remember when Norbert first shed his skin…I still 'ave it…"

"I know ye miss 'im 'Agrid…but it was for the best.Now I know I look a little beat up…but I tell ye, I'm lucky this little nipper don't breathe fire yet!Let's take her back to her mum…Percy should be almost done with dinner and asleep by now."

*Charlie takes the exhausted baby dragon back to the clearing with its' mother and siblings."Percy", the mother Horntail, is asleep, as Charlie had predicted.Charlie silently snuck up to where the other hatchlings were curled up together, and put little "Molly" in their midst.With a fond smile, he and Hagrid tiptoe off.*

"Now, 'Agrid…" Charlie begins in a whisper as the two stand at the edge of another clearing. "I got a surprise for ye.So you have to close your eyes as we walk into the clearing…I'll tell ye when to open 'em.Right?"

"Right, Charlie."Hagrid agrees.

*Together they walk into the clearing where a humongous green and brown Norwegian Ridgeback is basking in the sun, with a smaller green and gold female by his side.Charlie's voice comes through as voiceover: "What 'Agrid doesn't know is that I've tracked down Norbert for him…and he's got himself a real beauty of a girlfriend!"Together, they tiptoe a little further into the clearing, but not so close that the basking dragons will feel threatened.*

"Right, 'Agrid…open yer eyes."Charlie says, a huge grin on his face.

*Hagrid opens his eyes, and immediately they fill with big, wobbly tears.He sniffles, rubs his eyes in disbelief, and takes off at a run towards the two dragons before Charlie can blink*

"NORBERRRRRTTT!!!!!!" he sobs, his arms open to give his scaly baby a hug. "Mummy's come to see you!"

*Norbert and his girl wake up. Norbert blinks his huge reptilian eyes, and fires a tremendous gout of fire at Hagrid!While Hagrid stands there, looking singed and terribly distraught, the two dragons fly away.Charlie's voiceover narrative is heard again."You can imagine my shock and my pain for me mate 'Agrid.But o'course Norbert didn't know him…he was just a wee nipper when Hagrid hatched him…and in fact we'd had to put a memory charm on him so he'd act like a wild dragon.Suppose I probably shoulda told 'm that part…"Hagrid begins to cry, huge tears rolling down his bearded face.*

"But…" Hagrid sniffles. "I thought he'd know me…"

"C'mon mate." Charlie says, patting as close to Hagrid's shoulder as he can manage."I'll Apparate us back to town and buy ye a bucket of stout."

*As a few shots of the beautiful Romanian countryside and the dragons cross the screen, Charlie gets one more narrative: "Me mate 'Agrid learned an important lesson today.No matter how much we love these creatures, they're wild.So if ye ever encounter a dragon, keep that in mind…and RUN!Or better, Apparate!Fly, do whatever ye have to…just get away!Leave the preservation of these wonderful creatures to those of us what know how to NOT be their next snack."A variant on the theme song plays, also containing only trumpety type music and the words "Dragon Hunter!", and the closing credits roll.*


End file.
